Lucky for them all, when he steps outside again his horse has been returned. That being said, Scholar Who Walks The Night is a huge disappointment. A horse sits down in a movie theater and the woman next to him asks, “Excuse me… are you a horse?”, The horse says, “I really liked the book.”. To order a copy for £12 (RRP £14.99) go to bookshop.theguardian.com or call 0330 333 … A customer walked into the post office wanting to mail a package. But on a lighter note, “Why the long face?” is the punchline of the old joke: A horse walks into a bar and orders a beer. To save money, I suggested to one of my grown sons that we all live together in one house. In fact, he said, “I’ve been washing my hands so much, I found the answers to an... “I make mistakes; I’ll be the second to admit it.” —Jean Kerr, author, I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected, but the customer-service rep told me that since the account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request. The cruiser opened up, shells furiously flying all around the drone but not hitting it. A Desperado rides into town and downs a few drinks at the saloon. My mother was browsing in a store when a saleswoman offered assistance. And now, I spend my days giving free rides to underprivileged kids here in the country.”, The guy is flabbergasted. When my local barista handed me my change, one coin stood out. Are you cutting hair in there now?” —Karen Strand. One day, convinced he could improve things, he told the head cook, “If you give me a paring knife, I could peel these potatoes faster.” The cook turned slowly to my father and said, “Son, you’re in the Army. Only much later did I find out that it was his garage-door opener. The... My granddaughter's husband was complaining about how spellcheck changes the meaning of e-mails when an Air Force officer told him this story: He’d sent a message to 300 of his personnel addressed to “Dear Sirs and Ma’ams.” It was received as “Dear Sirs and Mamas.” —Phyllis Howard. She danced on the dining room table. Because if they flew over the bay they’d be bagels. Not me, Doc. The next time he wanted to use our new toy, he looked a bit puzzled. Turning it over and over in her hand, she said, “You know, I always thought they were made of copper.” —Linda Neukrug. So I grabbed him again, summoned all my might, and hoisted him onto the bed. He rides all day and starts to nod off in the saddle when he notices he is about to ride straight over a cliff. Whenever I vacuum, all I pick up is my... My husband can't activate our Amazon Echo, because he keeps forgetting its name, Alexa. “I’m... My husband and I were daydreaming about what we would do if we won the lottery. A cowboy buys a horse from the town pastor. One day, convinced he could improve things, he told the head cook, “If you give me a... What I remember most about my dad’s jokes is my mother’s reaction. The pastor explains, “to make the horse go, you gotta yell, ‘Thank God!’ And to make it stop, yell, ‘Hallelujah.’” The cowboy rides off. —Beverly Gross. POOF! An utterly confused woman called our local fire station about getting a haircut. During a job interview at the 99 Cents store, my son was asked, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” My son’s reply: “At the Dollar Store.” He got... Two guys stole a calendar. —Sylvia McClain. Our boatswain’s mate was a smoker who would toss his matches overboard. The definition of a perfectionist: someone who wants to go from point A to point A+. When my Dad got out of the Army, a friend gave him a job as a “diesel fitter” at his ladies’ undergarments factory. “I’m gonna have one more beer,” the Desperado bellows to the terrified crowd, “and if my horse ain’t back where I left him when I’m done, I’ll do here what I had to do in Houston.”, The locals murmur uneasily as the Desperado sips his drink. “Is this the salon near the fire station?” she asked. Pleats will come back someday.” —Mary Lou Wickham. 03 (4.32) Sherry meets Alex at a stripper bar & reveals a secret. If my father was in a doctor’s waiting room and saw another old-timer looking dejected, he’d shuffle up and tell him, “A rabbit goes to the dentist, and the dentist... My father and I were in the snowplow he drove for work when I saw a switch encased in a box. Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth? Phones now have a flashlight, camera, calling, video chat, maps and navigation, … With our over 4,000 most funny jokes, puns and riddles, our jokes are hand-selected and ready for you to tell to your friends or family, or to bust a gut on. One of my wife’s third graders was wearing a Fitbit watch, which prompted my wife to ask, “Are you tracking your steps?” “No,” said the little girl. “No, I want the left side!” “I want the left side!” “No, I want the left side!” Intervening, I said, “Since Eric is older, he can have the left side.” “Thanks, Dad!” said Eric. Was he dead?” Dad shook his head. —submitted by magician/comedian Penn Jillette. The bulk of each episode consists of a main challenge, usually some form of performance or fashion design, sometimes both. “You know, I always used to wish I could whistle,” he said. My Dad’s favorite joke is indelible: Joe is a new man on a construction crew. —Kenneth Gomez, My dad is so cheap that when he dies, he’s going to walk toward the light and turn it off. The customer, clearly looking to save a few bucks, said, “The package doesn’t have to get there till Saturday. ”Phew!” the cowboy sighs. Check out these 15 witty bar jokes anyone can remember. —Stephanie Chapman, When I was a proofreader, I shared with my coworkers this example to illustrate how writing can skew based on gender: A professor wrote on the blackboard, “Woman without her man is nothing.” The students were then instructed to insert the proper punctuation. My father and I were in the snowplow he drove for work when I saw a switch encased in a box. —Comedian Matin Atrushi, A priest buys a lawn mower at a yard sale. “Turns out we were supposed to shoot around it, not hit it.” —Patrick McSherry. The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway her. “Look at that. On Dad’s first day, the friend took... My Dad's favorite joke is indelible: Joe is a new man on a construction crew. I was admiring my aunt’s necklace when she surprised me by announcing, “I’m leaving it to you in my will.” I was overjoyed, perhaps too much. Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. In his own day he was said to be—with Queen Victoria and Prime Minister William Gladstone—one of the three most famous living persons, a reputation no other poet writing in English has ever had. Me: That’s quite the age difference! 21 (4.71) Alice is force to dom Lisa. It was my first night caring for an elderly patient. 04 (4.32) Sherry is taught how to strip by another MILF. Q. Two racehorses are in a stable. When he finishes his drink, the bartender asks him if he would like another. If we leave them out on the counter, people just come in and take them.” —James Nealis. It’s only a baby,” he says. JoJo's Bizarre Adventure (ジョジョの奇妙な冒険, JoJo no Kimyō na Bōken) is an ongoing manga series created by Araki Hirohiko. It fit perfectly, and the skirt was a swirl of intricate pleats. Read online books for free new release and bestseller “No, I... My dad and uncles were all in the Army during wartime, but only two of the three served overseas. It has been adapted into an OVA, five anime parts, and several video games.It has also spawned light novels, most notably including Rohan at the Louvre and Kishibe Rohan Meets Gucci.Running since 1986, it is currently on its 8th part, … What do you do? Check out these 14 hilarious pun cartoons that never get old. He replied, “I counted their legs and divided by four.” Decades later, my kids give me the same look I gave my dad every time I pull that same gag. Did you hear about the man who was hospitalized with six plastic horses inside him? Once during target practice, an unmanned drone flew past an antiaircraft cruiser. We call him the Village Idiom. I make my own lunch.” Whether or not anyone else laughed, Dad certainly did. ... in the tandem absurdity that by now everyone else seems to have walked into a bar in a joke at one time or another, so why not a horse? ... cabinetmaker be the president? —Rick Brueckmann. While reviewing future, past, and present tenses with my English class, I posed this question: “‘I am beautiful’ is what tense?” One student raised her hand. Needless to say, the bar is closed for the rest of the day. “Two-day shipping will cost $12.95 to get it there by Friday,” my coworker Billy told her. “I wear this for Mommy so she can show Daddy when he gets home.” —James Avery. Hallelujah!” The horse grinds to a stop just at the edge of the cliff. Patient: Forty-four and 39 from my wife who passed away, and from my second wife, 15 and 13. I said, “Are you telling me other people are trying to put money into my account and you’re telling them no?” —Comedian Rich Vos. The gunners’ very first shot sent the drone into the water! The first day on the job, he opens his lunch box and mumbles, “Oh no,... One night, the phone rang, and Dad answered it. “Baltimore,” said Dad. What does it mean if you find a horseshoe? 19 (4.60) Alice performs oral sex on a group of cheerleaders. CHAPTER I “Well, Prince, so Genoa and Lucca are now just family estates of the Buonapartes. A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks what he’d like. “Usually I just ask him to get in bed, and he does.” —Erin Dockery. While reviewing future, past, and present tenses with my English class, I posed this question: “‘I am beautiful’ is what tense?” One student raised... A customer walked into the post office wanting to mail a package. Why don’t you try the circus?”, The horse nickers. And each time, I’d tell my 12-year-old daughter, “A train just went by. The barkeep yells over "aren't you … Now everyone walks around with this multi-tool that's of comparable utility to a magic wand. You rarely get one of these old wheat pennies nowadays,” I said, tapping the sheaf of-wheat design. I stumbled upon a philosophy joke a few weeks ago, and I think most people know this one already. When my Dad got out of the Army, a friend gave him a job as a “diesel fitter” at his ladies’ undergarments factory. Dad always bragged about the gunners on his ship. “I was born in The Andes where I herded for an entire village. But I couldn’t clear the top of the mattress. They got six months each. It fit perfectly, and the skirt was a swirl of intricate pleats. —Mike Vanloo. 02 (4.27) Sherry and Peter are blackmailed again. I went to Bank of America to deposit a check, and they asked me for ID. This was my favorite: There was a young lady named Mabel. On the way to meet my husband at a restaurant, I realized that I didn’t have my phone and immediately panicked. 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